But Tinder has good looking men, I have to acknowledge that. Everyone has put their best foot forward. At some point I had to pause and ask myself which of the two personas I have was admiring those people. Happy to agree that It’s the pseudo persona. Every time I opened the App I would dread to see my brothers and my boyfriend there. Because that would confirm that we are all thieves, we happened to find each other in the line of duty.
There is something about a mother in a group of other mothers. They are very confident, loud and aggressive. Especially to their children. You will pass -by and they will burst out laughing about how they were all there when you were born and now you walk like you own the world. You will only hear ‘Hmm. Hmm. Hahaha,’ followed by whispers as their eyes follow you until you get out of their sight. But you will soon realize that they mean no harm.
My friend not having any shame, covered her mouth and whispered to me “Ah, Kwani amevaa velvet?”
We kind of established a friendship. I can’t remember his name at the time but I remember telling him that my parents are from Nigeria and my name is Ade Ochuku. It just came randomly. I guess I chose a name that’s close to my name so that I don’t forget it. I was so committed to being a Nigerian that I would throw in the randoms “A, a, abeg, stop lying to me’’ and all those little Nigerian remarks.
She looked at me and I immediately regretted having said those words. You see, marriage involves a lot of repetition, you will realize. And even more repetition if one partner is jobless and the other is giving them the silent treatment. She sat on the bed and finally said something.
“Look here Ben. I know I am supposed to go to work. Please stop singing about it. Just go and brush your teeth.
I say “Okay,” but I don’t move. You will learn this art in marriage – When to go away and when to stay put. I sit innocently at the chair right next to our dressing table, still holding my toothbrush with my left hand. Like a guilty child waiting for his mother to punish him. And I deserved to be punished.
“Ben, sometimes I feel so much hatred for you. I don’t have the perfect words to describe it. It’s a lot. And today, I woke up feeling it here in my chest – right here. Do you know how betrayal feels like? Well, you wouldn’t know. It’s so…”
There are questions that deserve to have a disclaimer before they are asked, and they are many. Questions that are sensitive and are too intrusive – they all shouldn’t be asked. If you need to know, you will be told. People are going through a lot of issues, sometimes they battle their issues out in private, don’t probe a lot if you feel the questions are making them uncomfortable.
I also believe that walking on water may be metaphorical. It may mean that you walked on water when chose to believe in God when facing the hardest battle of your life. You walked on water when you started a business with little capital but it expanded and exceeded your expectations. You walked on water when you kept having miscarriages but you still believed that God will one day give you a baby, and he did. You walked on water when you courageously pulled yourself out of depression. Perhaps we are always walking on water, we just haven’t paused to observe.
With your new Certificate, you start applying for jobs here and there and you realize that Yes, you’ve been sending emails for months but responses are not coming through. You check the spam folder – NOTHING.
Like any normal human being, you start wondering whether it’s something to do with how you present yourself.
I spent the recent Christmas Day in Hospital. And No, It was not me. They are now Okay, we thank God.
You may be curious and want to know how Christmas in the Hospital feels like and if there are any lessons; well, you learn a lot. Especially that your patience will be highly tested. Above everything else, It was a normal Day. Life was balancing itself and It was simply our turn to be in the Hospital
And as always, let’s claim progress, not perfection. As long as you are moving forward, no matter how slow, be proud of your steps. You are doing well.
She went away fully aware that whatever this date was about, her therapist would be glad to know that she is secretly an enabler of confusing people who keep coming back, after many years.
Sometimes they come back to confuse her, other times they help her find herself. And finally, perhaps, this could be a starting point of their therapy sessions.